Real Programmers Don't Eat Quiche

Real Programmers...

• Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell quiche. They like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.

• Don't write applications programs. They program right down to the bare metal. Applications programs are for dullards who can't do systems programming.

• Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand and even harder to modify.

• Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.

• Don't use COBOL. COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers.

• Don't use FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks, pipe stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state analysis and nuclear reactor simulations.

• Don't use LOGO. In fact <no> programmers use LOGO after puberty.

• Don't use APL unless the whole program can be written on one line.

• Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual code.

• Don't use Pascal, BLISS, ADA, or any of those sissy-pinko computer science languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.

• Never work 9 to 5. If any are around at 9 a.m. it's because they were up all night.

• Don't play tennis or any other sport that requires a change of clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, though, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.

• Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief Programmer.

• Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. They are for dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners, and other mental defectives.

• Don't drive around in clapped out mavericks. They prefer BMW's, Lincolns, or pick-up trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.

• Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real programmers use the heat given off by the CPU. They can tell what job is running just by listening to the rate the corn is popping.

• Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every real program. Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as the target instruction. Real programmers despise such petty restrictions.

• Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell quiche.